Death Blossom IV | By Chris Humes

Welcome to Death Blossom IV. It’s hyper realistic, it’s hyper violent. And it’s crazy addictive. And now, with the new Optimus DX-bodily function suppressor, you never have to stop playing. Ever.


Other popular gaming systems (Wii, Xbox, 360, PSP-3000) might be mega awesome, but you still have to get up and eat snacks, drink soda, sleep, brush your teeth and go to the bathroom from time to time. Now you can finally say goodbye to all those irritating real life obstacles with Death Blossom IV.


The object of the game: Travel backwards and forwards in time, armed with a photon ‘death blossom’ cannon, and defend the Kropizellian Republic by blowing up the rebel bases. Face off against the Jarblebish drone dwarves, and collect their skull to build up wealth. Beware of the 10-foot female lizard fish (they’re really hot!) because if they capture you, they’ll use your genitals as currency in the outer Snehorrish worlds.


The extreme awesomeness of the game has caused several players to collapse from lack of sleep and dehydration. One kid played non-stop for five days. “I had enslaved three planets, and taken 50 Quintexian maidens for my wives, ‘explained 13-year-old Tommy Brice from his hospital bed. “Then I blacked out. And I woke up here. And I was like - where are my wives and my slaves?”


Faced with lawsuits from angry parents, the creators of Death Blossom IV decided to save face by ‘taking out’ the need to re-nourish the physical body. Death Blossom “creationeer” Judd Winston explains: “The Optimus DX-bodily function suppressor is a series of input and output tubes, where the gamer can receive an adequate diet and eliminate waste while never leaving his chair.
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It’s a self-cleaning series of tanks and buckets. Bodily waste is composted and regenerated into a protein and sugar slurry that re-enters the gamers mouth. A simple keypad provides a variety of flavors, ranging from “pizza” to “Cheerios” to “waffle fries.” A separate tank filled with Mountain Dew or Diet Pepsi keeps the gamer properly hydrated.


And who needs sleep? An IV drip delivers synthetic espresso directly to the gamer’s blood supply, so no more concerns about “dozing off,” and getting vaporized by some blue tentacled Thallugian assassin from the moon of Gwarapiff 5.


And who’s the all time Death Blossom champ? Forty-three year old Eric Gorkvist of Hortontown, CT, who has been playing non-stop for eight months. “I’ve captured half of the galaxy and have 7,000 wives, who pleasure me while I command 100 armies!” Eric wheezed, then continued. “As long as my mom clears out my bed pan, and flips me over every six weeks, I’ll be Lord of the Universe!”




By Chris Hume - Funny Times - February 2013